This year I've faced two of my biggest fears. I'm a deeply fearful person. It doesn't do any harm to admit that. I admire fearless people and I wish I was one, but I'm not.
In September I ran a workshop at the Festival of Writing in York, organised by Jericho Writers. It was my second time, as I first did this in 2017. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I've never been a fan of public speaking. School put me off for ever when we were forced to stand in front of a class and do a "presentation". For me that meant mumbling for a few minutes, feeling sick, deeply embarrassed and very hot. Fast forward thirty-five years and the feelings remain. Only this time, I admonished myself, I'm a GROWN UP and grown ups get on with it. So I did. My presentation was OK. Technical hitches beforehand threw me a little, and I didn't know how to turn up the volume on my film clips. (I discovered after the presentation that the volume knob was right in front of me.) One of my clips was the wrong one. But the presentation was OK, mostly, and I had good feedback from some of the people who sat through it!
Also in September I finally faced a truly lifelong fear. I flew in an aeroplane for the first time. At the age of 50. Yes, FIFTY. Five-Oh. I know. I feel that too.
Over the years I had convinced myself I would never get on a plane. Then one day, back in the summer, a friend emailed me and asked if I fancied a trip to Lisbon. For free. For eight days, with our kids. Well, it was an amazing offer and too good to refuse. As the holiday grew nearer my head swam with all the dark possibilities. All the shit that could go down (mostly the kids and me, in a plane). But we rocked up at the airport, waved goodbye to my dear husband, and we boarded our flight. They were excited; just a little scared. I was terrified. 100%. I wanted to run away. I couldn't show my fear, so I smiled broadly and acted all like I was totally cool with it, and told the kids it would be fine. We got on the damn thing and then the engines fired up, we were speeding along the runway and then... up. Up in the air. It was incredible.
Belem, Lisbon, September 2018
OK, I didn't enjoy flying, much. But I did it, and now it's off my UN-FACED FEARS list. I feel bolder, braver, more confident and like a proper grown up.
With one week to go until my first author's first novel is officially published, I'm feeling the fear again. The thing is, the fears feel the same as the fear of public speaking and fear of flying: what if I make a fool of myself? What if my wonderful author has put her faith in me as a publisher and I let her down? What if the book crashes and burns? What if I run out of cash (that really is the biggest fear of them all!) What if... what if what??
My cousin died of cancer a couple of years ago, at the age of forty-four. From that day I've vowed to LIVE what's left of my life. I'm pretty sure the public speaking, and the flying, and of course the publishing are "symptoms" of my new attitude to life. Fear has its place but I can no longer allow it to rule me, stifle me, and stop me from seeing and doing wonderful things.
So, a week before publication, I wish Laura Laakso all the success she deserves. and boy does she deserve it. She's ten times the writer I will ever be, and then some.
Now, I'm off to write my introductory speech for the launch party. No sweat!